I can remember in excruciatingly
vivid detail the two things that brought the most shame to me and all the rest
of the teenage girls I went to school with: periods and masturbation. Both of these topics were so deeply steeped with
embarrassment that we didn’t even acknowledge their existence. Instead, we
suffered through period cramps or the panic of needing a tampon but not having
one with the same levels of silence with which we placated our hormones, our
sexualities and our secret nightly self-discoveries.
Our bodies felt shocking, lurid and
mysterious. The more we neglected to talk about how they had changed, how they
made us feel, and the incredible power of a female orgasm, the further we
burrowed into ourselves, creating a secret Morse dialogue with our fingers, a
confidential disclosure of the flesh.
It feels ironic to me that
masturbation was shrouded in so much secrecy back then, especially now that I
can openly celebrate it as being pivotal for unlocking some of the most deeply
shrouded secrets of my own personal identity. It’s also shocking that in 2016,
more than 20 years after self-pleasure was such a taboo topic for me and my
schoolmates, female
masturbation and pleasure are still saddled
with some stigma.
It’s clear to me now that
masturbation, and a willingness to discuss it without shame or disgust, is
essential for maintaining mental and sexual health. It provides a platform not
just for sexual exploration, but also for understanding and accepting who you
are, who you’re attracted to, and the sorts of fantasies you may be wanting to
share with another person.
There is, after all, no escaping our
true selves. If we consider masturbation to be something of a physical,
pleasurable form of meditation then it’s no surprise that our subconscious can
sometimes present us with an assortment of ideas that we weren’t even aware of.
This is crucial at all stages of our lives, but it is especially important in
our formative years in terms of helping us to navigate our sexualities and to
ease us into feeling comfortable with whatever form they take.
As a result, masturbation can be
shocking, informative, exciting and sometimes even disturbing, providing us
with that plateau of serenity where arousal meets the mind without the
interruption of a secondary party. Just how many of us have fantasized about a
man or a woman during masturbation and realized that we may, in fact, be gay?
At the very least, our fantasies often show us that gender identity and sexuality are far more complicated than a
straightforward label could ever ascribe to us.
Masturbation offers far more to us
than just a private exploration of our sexualities, though, and can also help
us to understand our emotional and mental well-being as well as our
relationships with other people. On a personal level, masturbation has been
integral in helping me to process my emotions throughout my life and has been a
key tool for helping me work out issues ranging from the trauma that followed a sexualassault to simply realizing that I
wanted to end a relationship.
It’s also been crucial for helping
me to manage depression and anxiety, providing the power with which to soothe a
panicked mind or to unblock a sadness that I was struggling to express with
tears. Self pleasure not only provides the catharsis of some kind of release, but also the underrated and divine peace that comes with
being able to heal in private.
Masturbation shouldn’t be a source
of shame, and it shouldn't be a dirty word (although I’m sure we’d all welcome
some newslang terms for female self-pleasure than
the ones that are currently available). It’s a form of self-expression, one of
which we all are capable, but also one that tends to manifest in ways that are
as unique and idiosyncratic as each and every one of us. It may also be one of
the most personal and rewarding. We should be encouraging women of all ages,
from teenagers to those in old age, to be comfortable enough with their bodies
that they can enjoy all aspects of themselves without shame.
Female sexuality shouldn’t be a
social secret anymore, just as our fantasies, identities, emotional processes
and capacity for pleasure shouldn’t remain a secret to ourselves. So here's to
opening things up, exploring our bodies and acknowledging that we do so without
shame or stigma.
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