The
first time I ever found myself in a bedroom, surrounded by rope and
in the presence of a willing girl, I will confess I let the moment go
to my head. I was 20 years old, she was eager to please, and I
had absolutely zero experience with neither rope play, nor acting like
someone who was supposed to be "in control" of a kinky
situation. As such, we spent very little time talking about
scenes and expectations, and plenty of time getting hot and bothered
by the prospect of playing master and slave. Or in the case of my
mind, kidnapper and victim.
It
took all of five minutes of looking into what should have been a satisfying
scene before she got a flat look on her face, stopped squirming and
sort of sighed. I asked her what was wrong, and she said "this
isn't how I pictured it. I wanted..." followed by a short
description of a fantasy she had been dreaming about since she was a
teenager. As it turned out, my fantasy, which I had held for just as
long, was the opposite. Overcome with awkwardness, we just sat there,
she restrained by some pretty terrible knots, and me feeling like the
jerk in the room because I hadn't stopped to ask her what she wanted.
It ended up destroying the relationship, all because nobody thought
to speak up; we just blushed and giggled and launched into something
far beyond what our emotional comprehension could handle.
It
doesn't need to be this way. Not at all, not ever, and especially not
with someone who trusts you enough to be "in charge" of a
scene or fantasy. Because it must be emphasized repeatedly: as a
Dominant you are not in charge. At best, you are a co author in this
story. As such, you need to be aware of your partner just as much
as yourself.
Do not be a dick. By all means use one, but do
not abase yourself by acting like a slender watercraft trying to go
through a vast sea of genital emission. (In other words, "don't be a
douche canoe." Seriously.)
We
say this because it's easy to power trip as a Dominant during a
scene, and there are altered states that may happen to you (known
variously as dom-space, top-space, other various terms). Now the
power dynamic is important here. As a dominant, you are deriving your
sensual experience and potency from being in that role. But being a
Dominant isn't just calling yourself Master or Mistress and flogging
someone. In fact, being a dominant might not include any traditional
elements of dominant play at all; it can reside in a look, a facial
expression, a heavy breath or a selection of choice words that evoke
a sense of power, strength and authority. But by and large,
communication is the priority. A good dominant knows when to listen,
when to take
action, and when to step back. This is just as important to you as it is
to whoever you are with in the scene, if not more so. The Dominant is
the one who has to be in control not only of the scene, but of themself
... at least for the duration of the scene. Your play
partner is the one who is trusting you to be a safe person and to
create a safe space for them to express their own pleasures, their
own pain, their own desires and shadows. They are trusting your sense
of control over yourself.
Self Control and Safety as a Dominant
The
first part of this consideration is
safety.
There's
the obvious side of safety in kink and in sex in general: the
submissive partner - whether known as a bottom
or other term - is
trusting you with their physical safety. (And believe me, there's a
whole associated cluster of both power-triggered arousal, euphoria and
fear that comes packaged in with it. Even as a Dominant you can,
and likely will, experience fear, anxiety, concern, and awkwardness.
This is normal. Trust me. It will happen to you
eventually.)
Has contraception and safer sex been discussed? What tools
will you be employing for this specific scene and how can the scene
be as physically safe as possible within those boundaries and within
that context? While both partners are responsible for ensuring the
scene proceeds faithfully and properly, the Dominant needs to be the
one to remember to check in regularly during the scene, using the
agreed upon safewords and other methods of communication that were
set up before the rope was even taken out of its bag. (Seriously,
before you even try to set a scene, you need to know how to end it.
Communication is key, even if a ball gag is in use.) Because once the
scene begins and emotions are flying around, endorphins pumping
through the blood, and both of you are lost in your respective roles,
things can sour pretty quickly if both parties forget what they are doing.
As a Dominant, you must be fully aware of your actions and your
partner's reactions. Always.
There
should also be safety scissors if necessary, such as if you are doing
any sort of bondage play, just in case either partner start feeling a
lack of circulation in their limbs - or need to be cut / untied
immediately.
You
may have heard the phrase "safe, sane, and consensual" when
hearing about kink. That's a good one, but I'd
like to substitute that here with the guiding phrase we use:
RACK.
RACK
stands for risk-aware consensual kink, and is often used to describe
situations in which some risk is known. Perhaps your play partner is
autistic, or under treatment for depression. Perhaps they get panic
attacks every now and then, and while they are eager to play, want to
talk about what you can do if they start getting a panic attack in
the middle of playtime. Or - more visibly - perhaps you have back
pain you need to adjust for, or an old ankle injury. Other
aspects of risk are included as well; with things like flogging, or
hot wax, or rope, where pain and pleasure are blending together, it's
very possible to forget that you are in fact causing harm for the
sake of ecstasy. There's a line there can be crossed very very easily.
Read: Why Pain Makes Us Horny: The Process That Turns Pain Into Pleasure
Sexual
risk is another factor included in the RACK system - from effects of
prescribed antidepressants to risks like STIs or pregnancy. It's not
like you cannot participate in kink, but any risk does need to be
discussed and mitigated. How you discuss this, and what you decide to
do, is up to you and your partner. Sometimes it's just a few words,
sometimes it's a longer conversation and sometimes a continuing dialogue
is needed. This
ties in to the second point.
The
second is personal:
the prospective Dominant
must be self-aware.
Skills
and limitation awareness seem like a no-brainier, but in my partner Lily's early
days as a Dominant, she handled her tools awkwardly because she was
afraid of them (she had baggage surrounding bondage and gender
roles). But once she unpacked her feelings about WHY she was handling
her tools awkwardly, she became a much more capable Dominant. It also
helped that she habitually makes certain to handle her tools herself
first - feeling how the rope holds knots when tied to her arm or
wrists first, for example - before applying untested rope to her
partner during play. But we've seen prospective Dominants who think
that all you need to be dominant is to shout at or threaten your
partner, and have gear like chains or rope or a gag. We all have read about a certain trashy novel that suggested
that chains and cable ties are a good thing. No, they're not. And an
experienced Dom will know this. They will be familiar and comfortable
with their toys and tools. They will observe their subs and act
according to what makes them feel comfortable. Dominants may shout at
their partners, certainly, but only within boundaries the partners
set together.
This
goes for faults just as it applies to Dominants knowing what their
skills and limitations are. Dominance contains all that too. Know
thyself, the saying goes, and a Dominant should at least be on the
journey to know themselves and what they want in order to best
provide, give, and nurture their submissives. If you're interested in
becoming a Dominant, you do not need to have all the answers, but
you do need to be willing to explore where your baggage came from,
and what you can do about it. You need to take responsibility for
your own actions. Will you make mistakes? Yes, you're a human; people
are going to make some mistakes along the way, sooner or later.
That's part of gaining experience and leveling up.
Now,
this also means that if there are risk factors or hard limits you
have, that you discuss them with your prospective partners as well.
Just because you are a Dominant in a relationship does not mean your
partner does not have agency or power. What
would happen if you are sick? In hospital? Do you want your partner
to be able to look you in the eye and tell you something is wrong or
that something you did or said bothers them? Does the submissive
partner - if the submission is outside the bedroom as well - have the
agency to make the choice to call after you, to send you a card, to
pay any shared bills? If you are sick and cannot meet a play date, is
there any protocol or ritual to deal with that? Is there a protocol that will
help you and your partner feel secure? Does the submissive have the
agency to leave you for another Dominant if your time with them is
not to the benefit of both parties?
The
third key thing to keep in mind as a Dominant is
to be aware that people are all
different.
Even
if there are two Dominants using similar tools (say, both use
flogging) who come from similar backgrounds, they are still two
distinct people. There are many types of dominance and submission
play, and Dominants also have different flavors, even
if the tools they use are the same. What bothers one may not bother
another. What may be one person's hard limit may be a non-issue to
someone else, and so on. What that means is that you need to start at
ground zero with communication and introspection for each and every
partner you play with.
One
example of variation is what the Dominant is called and what language
they might use. Some Dominants prefer the use of particular
terminology to address them, and the terminology itself may have
particular meaning. For example, a Dominant partner may insist on
being called "Sir" - and with the first letter capitalized to
symbolically represent the power dynamic when in scene or
discussing a scene. Another Dominant may be simply "Jane," while another
Dominant will not use their given name at all during a scene but
instead a title. Some Dominants pay very close attention to how some
titles may be loaded with gender norms and expectations, and/or with
racial supremacy undertones. "Master" can carry very
different connotations than "Mistress" and unpacking
those titles and feelings about them may be useful. Feel "Sir"
is too masculine for you and want to go by "Ser" instead?
Sure. Really like how being called "Your Majesty" makes you
feel? Go right ahead. Don't want to use an honorific at all? Sure. Be
your awesome self.
This
goes for tools too. Just because a Dominant might use one
particular tool does not mean every dominant who uses that tool takes
the same approach. For example, both of us (Lily and Alexis) use
rope. But when Lily dominates, she prefers to use more aesthetically
pleasing ties and acts stern, but loving and gentle. When I dominate,
well, let's just say that there's
something more primal there. The key thing is, we're both on the same
page, we've communicated about what works for each of us, and we've
learned how to treat each other in scenes. Being a Dominant is an
evolving thing. It involves ongoing communication, reflection and
adjustment.
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